October 4th, 2018,
Well it’s 9:20 pm and I am exhausted. Today was a full day away from home and quite honestly I’m not used to that. My energy levels are really low, something else those little bastards robbed from me.
The spoon theory-look it up. It is an amazingly simple explanation of why people with chronic diseases can’t do even simple things. A friend sent the video on YouTube to me at the beginning of my journey last year. I was struggling and frustrated that I couldn’t do anything.
Think of energy as spoons. We all have almost an unlimited supply to use each day. I have only only 12. A healthy person uses 1 spoon getting ready in the morning and off to work or school. The rest are spread out during the day.
I also have 12 to choose what I can and cannot do during the day. But to wake up and even get out of bed uses 1. Then to shower, brush my teeth and get dressed use another 1. Then I prepare my breakfast , coffee etc and I use another. Before I even get out of the house I’ve used three. I only have 9 more spoons and I have to get through the rest of the day. If I want to go to a function at night I know I have to sleep most of the day to save spoons for the evening. Most days I am out of spoons by noon. It’s a great analogy. https://youtu.be/Hh59lPG5ifk
It was powerful watching that video. It made so much sense. I had tears on my eyes because that was me. Somebody gets it. Somebody really gets it.
So last night I said I was tired. I was a bit nervous about today even though they were simple tests. I didn’t sleep. Of course all nights for insomnia to kick in. I couldn’t drink or eat anything after 10pm. I laid in bed all night awake thinking god I’m thirsty. Nope. Don’t do it ’cause the tests are too important to mess up. So I wrote entries 7 and 8 until 4 am this morning. 4:30 I finally dozed and the alarm went off at 7:30am.
We got ready and had to do to the bank first so we could pay for the tests today. Then to the clinic for my bloodwork and ultrasound and x-ray. All went ok. Except all my blood work wasn’t completed because one of the blood samples was to go to Guadalajara and the courier already left. Grrr. Back on Monday for A9 am after another night of fasting.
Finished at 11:30 but told to pick up my x-rays etc at 1pm to take to dr. Went home and Kaye’s down for an hour. Gary woke me up at 1 pm and we went back to pick up. Got the x-rays but told to come back late afternoon to pick up the rest of the results.
Too tired. We went and picked up some more medication amd got home by 4. I crashed. Slept two hrs. We ate dinner and now I am in bed wide freakin awake looking forward to another sleepless night.
I took a new herbal “medicine” that we bought today, supposed to even knock out heavyweights. We will see. If it works I’ll tell you all tomorrow. Not much else to say. What a day. It was nice to see something other than the bedroom walls. Even if they were the white walls of the clinic.
I feel sorry for Gary today. I was an asshole. My mood swings were intolerable. I know it’s hard on him. This amiantos his fault but I lash out and get angry over simple stupid stuff.
I feel guilty. I feel bad. I am an asshole some days. Plain and simple. Unfortunately those days are the normal ones lately.
Lyme has not only robbed me of dignity, of my health, of my sanity but it is also doing the same to him. And for that my heart aches more than you know.
Warren Bennett – Chronic Lyme Disease.